Allowing your dog to have the opportunity to say no and set personal boundaries is one of the most important trust building factors in your relationship with your dog. Being able to communicate and have their needs be respected when doing so will also increase your dog’s confidence, sense of empowerment, and trust in you.
So how exactly do you know when your sweet pupper is saying “No thanks?”
Dogs communicate through body language primarily and it is our job as their human handler and partner in this relationship to ensure that we understand and respect their communication as often as possible.
Saying “No” might look like:
Looking away- either with just their eyes, a whole head turn, or even possibly a complete curving turn of their body away.
"Whale Eye"-eyes get wide and you can see the whites of their eyes
Turning their entire body away, moving away from you/ the distressing trigger/ situation/ person/ etc.
Disengaging completely to do something else- going to sniff something, suddenly seeming very interested in looking at something, going to get a drink of water, etc.
Quick tongue flicks and/or lip licking *
Yawning *
Growling, snarling
Lip quiver, showing teeth
Quick snap
Barking, lunging, reactivity
Bite
(* Behavior occurs out of context)
Look back at that photo of Hudson above.
Notice that you can see the white of his eye, sometimes called 'Whale Eye' and that he is intently sniffing a flower while watching me out of his peripheral vision.
This is a clear indication that Hudson is uncomfortable by me asking to take his photo in this moment and that perhaps he even views my approach as a bit confrontational.
By averting his gaze, sniffing at something intensely, while continuing to watch me out of the side of his eye to see if his communication is working and being respected, it is evident he is uncomfortable and desiring to avoid conflict.
Hudson is clearly stating "No thank you" in the photo.
Dogs generally begin with subtle and more passive communication signals but can sometimes quickly escalate through the communication ladder if they feel they are not being heard or understood. Because the first few signs of communication are subtle, they are often missed by their well-meaning human counterparts. Additionally, many humans have a very unhealthy and simplistic belief that their dog “should” want to engage with them at all times, that they “should” like to be pet, they “should” like to engage with other dogs/ people/ etc. and this is not accurate or fair to your dog. Our dog’s personalities are as unique as our own, and the belief that they must get along with others is a human construct rather than a necessity or preference of most dogs.
Imagine...
you and your partner are out for a stroll in the nice weather and another human came up to you, speaking directly to your partner, while looking at you and gushing:
“OH MY!!! They are SO CUTE! I just LOVE their look! Can I pet them! I just HAVE to kiss their little face!!” and without asking YOU for YOUR consent, your partner states “Of course!!” while the approaching human dives in touching all over you- caressing your face, stroking your hair, and kissing your "cute little face..."
How many of us would tolerate this?
How many would feel excited, joyful, and welcoming of such behavior?
And how many of us would want to clock that human right in their nose and tell them to back out of our space bubble?
It is no different for our dogs.
While some dogs do truly enjoy engaging with humans and being pet and loved on, the reality is this is significantly less common than most humans realize.
Tolerating vs. consenting is very different and comes from different emotional places which results in very different experiences for your pup.
Pups who are forced to engage in uncomfortable interactions time and time again, without their communication signals being understood, begin to believe their communication does not matter because it isn’t respected. These pups can sometimes become ticking time bombs, stifling their emotions and their communication for a time…. Until they physically cannot any longer. These frustrated Fidos then jump up the communication ladder to more vocal and obvious communication signals, like showing teeth, growling, giving a snarl, or a bite, in a desperate attempt to be heard and respected. Most often, their human seems shocked, often stating “I don’t understand! She’s never bit before… it came out of nowhere!!” When in reality, your pup has been communicating for months and feeling misunderstood and disrespected.
What does consent look like?
* Leaning in
* Moving towards you with their head, their body, especially moving in towards you from the side (head on is often felt as confrontational. Dogs greet from behind or from the side.)
* Soft, relaxed features and loose body language
* Lots of eye contact and engagement
* Slow, lazy tail wags or circle tail wags
Notice Teddy's body language in the 2 photos above where he is greeting his friend Steve. See how he is leaning in and looking at Steve, seemingly looking to elicit more pets? Also not seen here in photos was Teddy nudging Steve's hands each time he stopped petting him. Teddy is demonstrating loose body language and is excited to be pet as demonstrated by his leaning into Steve, making eye contact with Steve, and pushing against Steve's hands when petting ceases.
While there are times where we will have to require our dogs to do some things against their will, (think vet visits, emergencies, etc.) the more often we can offer them the opportunity to make their own choices and to opt in or out of care, training, play, and more, the more empowered and confident your pup will become and the stronger our bond with them becomes.
So next time you go in to love on your dog, notice:
What are they communicating to you? How can we better enable our pups to feel confident, calm, and like an autonomous partner in our relationship with them? I assure you that if you take even small steps to understand and respect your dog’s communication, they will thank you for it and you will see enormous strides in their confidence and happiness.
If you’d like to learn more:
DogSpeak 101’s Communication Seminar
It is a $50 investment for 3 months access to the seminar and is worth every penny if you are interested in diving deeper and better understanding what your pup is communicating to you.
Additionally, DogSpeak 101 has an excellent podcast and more resources about all things dogs.
Check them out at:
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